A License to Steal

 

            “I don’t know how you could do this to me, Joe,” his Grandmother, Mary Wagner, said from her position on the ground. Joe had run up behind her throwing her to the ground and grabbing her purse which he was now rifling through. He found the only money she had, a 20.00 bill, and held it up.

            “It’s ok; I’ve got a license,” he informed his Grandmother. He didn’t offer a hand to help her off the ground.

            “But I’m your Grandma and you just ran me down and stole my purse,” the old woman said tears and frustration mixing with her despair. “How could you do it?”

            “Robbery is legal now Grandma; you just gotta get with the times. Things aren’t like they used to be.”

“But you stole my purse,” the old woman wailed.
”I’m only taking the money. I’ll leave everything else here with you,” Joe said.

To prove his point he set the purse down beside her and pocketed the $20.00 bill he’d found inside it.

“Let me see that license,” Mary said as she struggled to her feet grabbing at his legs to help her get up. Joe backed away but not before she got a strangle hold on his right leg and jerked herself to a sitting position. Grabbing at his pocket she nearly pulled his pants off getting up the rest of the way.

“Here’s my license,” Joe said pulling a piece of paper out of his shirt pocket.

Mary adjusted her glasses which had slipped down on her face when she fell and she looked at the paper suspiciously.

“I can’t believe anyone would ever say that what you did to me is legal,” she sniffed.

“Might makes right, Grandma. It’s always been that way and now the laws have caught up with it.”

The paper she held in her hands said that Joe Wagner has the right to commit robbery, petty theft, burglarly, or grand theft up to ten times a year. If he goes over that quota he will lose his privileges and have to pay a fine.

“See,” Joe said, “I’m legal.”

“That’s not what I call it,” Mary sniffed.

“You see it yourself,” Joe said tapping the paper.

“But why me, why your own Grandma?”

“Nothing personal against you, Grandma. My other Grandma is next on my list. She doesn’t have much, but I expect she might have salted away something from her old age pension and she has a nice trunk I’ve been wanting for my antique collection, as well as an old Grandfather clock that was her Dad’s, and some other things. Anyway, I’m not playing favorites. She’s on my list too. I’m going to wait until tomorrow when she goes to church and when she gets home she’ll find it’s been cleaned out.”

The old woman shuffled away slowly, going back to her house. Since the 20.00 was gone she couldn’t buy the groceries she’d intended to buy anyway. She thought about this problem. She’d watched in disgust as marijuana had been legalized and then again as most other vices had followed and been ruled as legal. She’d never thought that robbery would be made legal, but what did she know? The world had certainly changed. There was a gambling joint on every street, prostitutes solicited customers from downtown windows, drug addicts smoked dope in public places, and children saw it all, and accepted it as normal. Despair sat on her chest choking her and taking her breath away.

All morning she sat rocking in her chair, staring out the window at a cold December day. Even the faint sun didn’t warm her any and soon it would be colder because she didn’t have money to pay for heat.  As she sat there rocking to keep warm, she wondered if life in this modern world was worth living. Later the despair turned to anger and she thought about Joe’s other Grandmother who was about to be added to his list of victims.

“No you don’t, boy,” she said to herself, “No you don’t.”

She went to the phone and called the other woman, his Grandmother Regina Wills. When Mary had her on the line, she explained what had happened to her, and what was about to happen tomorrow. Neither of them could believe it was now legal to rob and steal and nothing could be done about it.

“Well if Robbery and Burglary are legal then it should be legal for us to take our own measures to prevent it,” his other Grandmother said. “Can you come over here?”

Mary said, “Yes,”

and left her house, walking the few blocks to where Regina lived. They spent the afternoon together and even though the discussion was about sad things, it was pleasant because of the warmth in Regina’s house, and Regina’s friendly attitude. Mary hadn’t been so comfortable in a long time.

            “You know that this is just the beginning, don’t you,” Mary said. “If robbery and such is legal there will be hordes of people just waiting to rob and kill us for our Social Security checks. They’ll steal them out of our mailboxes or bash us over the head for them.”

            Regina agreed that it was going to be a dismal future for everyone, especially old folk.

            “But not if we band together,” Mary said.

            “How?”

            “We could get a group of us together and move into a big house where there would be someone home all the time. We could defend ourselves with guns or whatever it takes. You don’t have to be strong to pull a trigger on a gun if a home invasion is going on.”

And if everyone pooled resources to pay the bills we’d all be more comfortable and safer as well,” Regina agreed. She’d always liked that fairy tale where the old animals ran away from home to escape death and lived together in the robber’s house, happily ever after.

            “But right now we’ve got Joe to worry about; he’s planning to rob you while you’re at church tomorrow. What do we do about that?”

            “I’ve been thinking about it. Since he’s looking at things like antiques in my house, I think I should put them all together in my bedroom.  Then I need tofigure out how to defend my possessions from his thievery,” Regina said.

            “How are you going to do that?”

            “I have a friend who’s a pretty good handyman. I think that with his help, I can leave a few surprises for Joe. Maybe that will discourage him from a life of crime.”

            Mary went home and Regina called her friend Mike. He worked at her direction the rest of the day. Next day, Regina went to church as always. However, she had a hard time concentrating on the service because she was so curious about what was happening at home. It didn’t matter too much that she was missing it. Mike had hooked up cameras that would record everything and she’d be able to see it later when Mary could join her, but still she was sorry not to see it first hand.

            Regina’s house was in a state of disarray and there was water on the floor of the entryway when she got home, but nothing was missing. She laid out cider and cookies then invited Mary over to see the film taken while she was at church.

            Together they munched cookies as they watched Joe walk stealthily up to the front door and grab the doorknob. His face contorted into a series of lines and a shriek of pain shot out of his mouth as a jolt of electricity ran through his body for two seconds, stopped, then ran for another two seconds. Joe yelped and let go the next time the current turned off.

            They watched as the camera angle changed. Joe left the wired door and went to the door on the side porch. He jimmied the lock with what looked like a coat hanger and opened the door. Just as he stepped inside a bucket of water upturned itself onto his head. In the cold air, Joe could be heard struggling for breath as he slapped at the water in his hair, on his coat, and running down his face.

            Now he peeled off the wet coat and ran down the hall to the bathroom where he grabbed a big fluffy towel and wrapped it around himself. He was shivering but appeared determined to pursue his life of crime because he started to rummage in drawers and cabinets.

            Hurriedly he examined the living room and found nothing he wanted. He went to the kitchen and started going through the cabinets apparently looking for a rainy day fund that his Grandmother might have saved. He didn’t find anything; there was no cookie jar filled with loot. Next he rummaged through the extra bedroom but again he came up empty. His Grandmother’s bedroom was now all that was left. All her antiques must be in there. Joe had been hesitating before entering each room, perhaps afraid of a booby trap but since all the other rooms had been accessible, he headed straight into this one without hesitating. A second later they could see him hanging upside down by his right foot and leg, a noose wrapped tightly around his booted foot.

            Joe tried to pull himself upward to take the rope off but he couldn’t do it. He’d been too lazy in gym class and never had worked a day in his life. All that flabbiness now worked against him. He had yelped out in pain when he’d been jerked upward and now he was whining to himself a soft keening that showed his despair. This went on for about an hour and a half before Mike showed up on camera preparing to cut him down.

 First though, he went through Joe’s pockets in spite of Joe’s protests. He found thirty dollars in the right pocket and nice penknife on the other side.

“I’m glad that robbery is legal now,” he told Joe, “This money and your knife should help to pay for all this trouble.”

“That’s mine,” Joe said, “You can’t take it.”

“Sure I can, Mike replied, “I have a license.” He held up an official looking paper.

He cut Joe down and Joe, nearly fell as he stumbled and grimaced, finding it hard to stand on his traumatized foot.

“Get out of here,” Mike said, and Joe hobbled to the door, keeping his eye on Mike all the time.

“Those are my things,” Joe called back over his shoulder as he left. “I’m going to call the police.”

“Won’t help,” Mike said. “I’m legal.”

The two women mopped at eyes which had been running with tears of joy and pain mixed together. It hurt to see what their Grandson had become but the way the tables had turned satisfied their need for justice as well.

“I hope he learned his lesson,” Mary said.

“Better he learns it young,” Regina agreed. “Unfortunately there’s a whole passel of others out there just like him. Maybe we should look into that idea we discussed the other day. If we bind together for safety, and pool our resources, everyone could stay warm and fed, and have someone to look after them if they was sick. What do you think?”

“I’m in,” Mary said. “Let’s do it.”

“You can close up your place, sell it, and move in here anytime you want,” Regina said. “Then if we find others and need a bigger house we’ll do that later.”

“It’s a plan,” Mary said. “At least one good thing came out of this mess.”

“Yes, “Regina said, “And here’s one more thing. Mike gave me this 20.00 bill so I could return it to you.”

“We might have crazy laws but justice can still be had,” Mary said wonderingly as she stared at the money in her hand. “People always have found a way to work things out in the end.”